You knew there was something wrong with your relationship but you were not able to pinpoint it. But now it’s out in the open and you are shattered. Your blind faith in your partner has been compromised; your trust has been taken a brutal advantage, and now that your spouse has accepted that he or she was having an affair it is up to you to decide which way you want your marriage to go.
Of course you are not in a position to decide immediately so take your time. However, remember that while you are taking your time in deciding there are chances that your cheating spouse will give you excuses like you were never there for him or her, or that he or she was under the influence of alcohol. Don’t buckle under these excuses and start blaming yourself.
Remember that infidelity is no excuse and finding out that the partner you trusted blindly has been cheating on you can be worse. But the fact remains that the problem has to be resolved so that you can move forward in your life.
Here are some ways to deal with the pain and cheating spouse:
1. Don’t suppress your emotions
Don’t ever suppress your feelings or emotions. Feel the pain, anger, hurt; depression let your heart feel all these emotions. Once you have allowed to yourself to feel every emotion you will be light hearted. Suppressing your emotions won’t help either you or your marriage. So feel the pain. Cry all that you want, be angry you have every right to be and then try to move on.
2. Have a talk with the cheating spouse
It is always good to talk to the cheating spouse like adults. Shouting, counter blaming will not help either of you. Talk; discuss what he or she feels now about the affair. Do they want to work on the marriage or do they want to leave? Talking will also help you analyse where you or your marriage lacked in the first place.
3. Decide what you want to do about the situation
It is up to you to make the situation normal. Your cheating spouse will be dependent on you so whatever you decide, decide like an adult after weighing all the pros and cons of the situation.
4. Don’t make empty threats
Don’t threaten your spouse with empty threats of leaving. If you want to leave, leave but don’t threaten the cheating spouse it will leave the door open for more infidelity. If you want to stay then analyse the situation like an adult.
5. Don’t criticise him or her in the public
This is a strict no-no. It might sound tempting to do so but it will not help you or your relationship a bit. So don’t be childish and criticise his or her cheating behaviour in front of your friends or family.
6. Don’t make excuses for him or her
Please whatever else you do; don’t make excuses for him or her. They are adults and they knew what they were getting into before embarking on an affair. So don’t make excuses for him or her. Also remember that infidelity is no excuse.
7. Don’t blame yourself
Don’t blame yourself or your looks or your schedule for his or her cheating. It is not your fault. So don’t say things like I am not good looking that’s why he or she looked elsewhere.
8. Give yourself healing time
Tell your spouse in clear terms that you need some time to heal. And in that time allow yourself to feel pain, hurt and anger. But don’t lash out to him or her in the anger. Feeling the pain, anger and hurt are the normal process of healing. So allow nature to do its job.
9. Forgive your spouse completely
It will definitely not be easy but if you want to save your marriage then you will have to forgive them completely. Superficial forgiveness will only gnaw your heart and keep hurting you like a wound which refuses to heal. So in order to heal completely forgive completely.
10. Earn your trust
Tell them in clear terms that although you are going to forgive them but now they have to earn your trust. And this time from no help from you. Your cheating spouse has to prove that they want to stay with you and want to save the marriage and will not stray again at a slight provocation.
These are few steps that can help you to deal with the cheating spouse. However, remember that it will be a long time till you can actually forget the affair. So give yourself that time. Don’t rush the healing process.